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Collaborative Divorce and Mental Health
During my divorce I often felt as if I was going mad. Everything seemed to be in freefall. Although the decision to end the marriage was mine, I was plagued by insecurity, doubt, guilt and exhaustion. I clung to work as the only safe anchor in my life.
All of that, I now realise, is normal. Grim, but normal. One client who I helped through her divorce wrote to me afterwards and thanked me for staying alongside her while, as she put it, “I went a bit crazy.” Again, normal. She needed her feelings of extreme stress to be heard, accepted and understood. This done, the gift of clear thinking was able to return. She could plan and strategise again. The crazy feelings gradually subsided.
One way to distinguish mental health from mental illness is by how effectively someone tells the difference between fantasy and reality. This is why a traumatic event like divorce, where our sense of what’s real gets temporarily scrambled, can make us feel mad. But what about people whose perception of reality is routinely compromised? What’s divorce like for them?
The most talked-about mental conditions are schizophrenia and manic depression. Less severe but often very challenging are the autistic spectrum disorders like aspergism and OCD. Where these conditions have been diagnosed and the person is receiving treatment, a sensitively handled Collaborative Divorce may be no more difficult for them than for anyone else. However, undiagnosed conditions – which may have contributed to a marriage ending in the first place – present a far greater challenge for everyone involved. One of the toughest calls for me as a Collaborative Family Consultant is having to suggest to a client that they may need a psychiatric assessment. It can feel as if I’m adding insult to injury. I’m in no doubt, though, that to not say anything – treating the problem like the unmentionable elephant in the room – is irresponsible. If someone is clearly unaware of their own disturbed presentation, staying silent is collusive, and effectively prevents them getting the help they need.
The great benefit of Collaborative Divorce where mental health is an issue is having psychology professionals in the interdisciplinary team as a matter of course. We have the experience to quickly detect these kind of psychiatric difficulties, and the knowledge and skill to sensitively refer a client to the best source of support.
No Comments »HOW CAN A DIVORCE EVER BE GOOD?
It’s no exaggeration – if you’re currently facing a divorce, you may well wonder how you’re going to survive the loss of your security, your expectations, your hopes, and so much of what gave your life meaning. Let me reassure you, these feelings are much more common than you might think. The dreaded ‘D’ word – divorce – can come to symbolise everything that’s shameful, painful and bad.
This is no surprise given the negative moral tone divorce was traditionally given. So it might seem a bit of a leap to go from there to the notion of a ‘good divorce.’ How, you might ask, can a divorce ever be good? All I can say from my experience is that when one or other party has decided the relationship is definitely over, divorce is good because it protects everyone – you, your ex, your children – now and in the future. Here’s Enid’s story.
“When Tom said he was leaving it was a shock and a relief. He told me very kindly, and I knew he’d thought long and hard before making the decision, but I still felt rejected. Basically we’d just grown apart. Our friends recommended we see a family consultant. In our first session we both cried, but something also felt good – like the truth was finally being told. I suggested we delay getting divorced and try a trial separation. Tom agreed. The family consultant then encouraged us to think about the terms of the separation. I soon realised that Tom hadn’t thought through any terms at all. He was going to live with a mutual friend, free to come and go, while I stayed in the family home with sole responsibility for the kids. Regarding money he said he’d make sure I was all right. I suddenly felt furious and scared. The family consultant said our amicable approach would only work if we really focused on the detail. I hated him for saying it at the time, but he was so right. I realised the trial separation was just my pipe-dream – Tom wasn’t coming back. In the end our Collaborative Divorce took just under three months, working with the family consultant, two brilliant solicitors he recommended and a child specialist. It was tough, but we finally agreed everything without going to court, and we’re still speaking! It was a good divorce.
Wow! I never thought I’d hear myself say that!”
No Comments »DOES MY DIVORCE MEAN I’M A FAILURE?
This question hits a very raw nerve for many people facing divorce. Marriage, we were always taught, is for life – otherwise why bother getting married. So when it doesn’t last a lifetime, it seems someone must be to blame. ”Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should have spoken up earlier. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I was too passive, too controlling, too preoccupied. Maybe I’m just useless at relationships.” Sound familiar?
There are all kinds of other mishaps in life that we easily forgive ourselves for, but the prospect of divorce can press all our self-blame buttons. Why?
I recently conducted some research into what marriage means to us, and discovered that it cuts across all the key reference points we use for conceptualising our world and our place within it. It contributes to our understanding of ourselves and others in legal, moral, emotional, political and developmental terms. You don’t even have to like or approve of marriage for it to hold this level of impact. In fact, not liking it indicates its power just as much as liking it does.
Now, if we take just one of those domains – moral – and remind ourselves that our cultural history is steeped in the notion that marriage is good – so divorce, therefore, is bad – it instantly becomes clear why your divorce is making you feel you’re suddenly living on the wrong side of the tracks, whether it was your choice or not. This is a feeling, remember, not a thought. Rationally you may know the relationship was irreparable, going nowhere, finished. But this isn’t enough to dispel those gnawings of primitive, reactive guilt and sense of failure.
It may surprise you to know that Collaborative Divorce takes all this into account. Whether the person you’re working with is a family consultant (like me), a lawyer or a financial adviser, we’ll be listening to what’s happened, how you feel about it and what you need, but never judging you. Those moralising days are long gone. Our holistic interdisciplinary approach just focuses on helping you achieve whatever it is you need to build the best future for your children, yourself and your ex, emotionally, practically and financially.
It can be a tough challenge, but if by working together we can keep your divorce out of court, that’s a success, believe me, not a failure.
No Comments »What is a family consultant?
If the title doesn’t seem familiar, it’s because it’s very new – 2009 vintage in fact! A family consultant is a professional with a background in clinical psychology or psychotherapy who works alongside lawyers to help divorcing clients reach the most advantageous and healthy settlement solutions for themselves and their children. This new interdisciplinary approach is called Collaborative Divorce. The aim is to keep divorces out of court, so that key decisions for a family facing divorce are made by that family – with as much support as they need – rather than by a judge on their behalf. The reason why family consultants have such a vital role to play is that divorce is primarily a psychological event, and often a very distressing and disturbing one. We have the understanding and therapeutic skills to help guide clients through what can be an emotional minefield. We can also provide guidance on childcare through this critical transition, and if necessary bring in colleagues who can meet directly with children who are clearly struggling. This psychological approach is especially important at a time when so many long-term legal, practical and financial decisions are also having to be made. Lawyers are in a much better position to help you do this if the difficult feelings you’re having are being supported in a different setting outside the lawyer’s office.
Collaborative Divorce reflects a radical shift in the way divorces are dealt with and thought about, from every angle – legal, emotional, moral, practical and spiritual. If you’re facing the possible end of your marriage, I or any of my collaborative colleagues would be happy to meet you for an informal chat, to answer your questions and to tell you more. You can leave a confidential message for me at any time on 01225 445237, or email me at cm@chrismills.uk.com
I’ll get straight back to you.
No Comments »Welcome
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