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Collaborative Divorce and Mental Health

During my divorce I often felt as if I was going mad.  Everything seemed to be in freefall.  Although the decision to end the marriage was mine, I was plagued by insecurity, doubt, guilt and exhaustion.  I clung to work as the only safe anchor in my life.

All of that, I now realise, is normal.  Grim, but normal.  One client who I helped through her divorce wrote to me afterwards and thanked me for staying alongside her while, as she put it, “I went a bit crazy.”  Again, normal.  She needed her feelings of extreme stress to be heard, accepted and understood.  This done, the gift of clear thinking was able to return.  She could plan and strategise again.  The crazy feelings gradually subsided.

One way to distinguish mental health from mental illness is by how effectively someone tells the difference between fantasy and reality.  This is why a traumatic event like divorce, where our sense of what’s real gets temporarily scrambled, can make us feel mad.  But what about people whose perception of reality is routinely compromised?  What’s divorce like for them?

The most talked-about mental conditions are schizophrenia and manic depression.  Less severe but often very challenging are the autistic spectrum disorders like aspergism and OCD.  Where these conditions have been diagnosed and the person is receiving treatment, a sensitively handled Collaborative Divorce may be no more difficult for them than for anyone else.  However, undiagnosed conditions – which may have contributed to a marriage ending in the first place – present a far greater challenge for everyone involved.  One of the toughest calls for me as a Collaborative Family Consultant is having to suggest to a client that they may need a psychiatric assessment.  It can feel as if I’m adding insult to injury.  I’m in no doubt, though, that to not say anything – treating the problem like the unmentionable elephant in the room – is irresponsible.  If someone is clearly unaware of their own disturbed presentation, staying silent is collusive, and effectively prevents them getting the help they need.

The great benefit of Collaborative Divorce where mental health is an issue is having psychology professionals in the interdisciplinary team as a matter of course.  We have the experience to quickly detect these kind of psychiatric difficulties, and the knowledge and skill to sensitively refer a client to the best source of support.